This is a story about Ricky. Ricky works in a place where everyone works in teams , to work alone is too problematic and now , with his partner off sick , Ricky has to try and get the job done , he has bills to pay . There is lifting to be done and the only way for one to do what two once did is to use his body to help balance the weight , painful but effective .
There are more intricate tasks as well , One partner need only hold steady a machine piece while the other feeds in another , it is frustrating work to do alone , without a steadying grip . There are seals to be opened , broken by the combined torque of two working teammates , work that is unnecessarily difficult for only one .
This all makes for monotonous , long days for Ricky , Every aspect of his routine has changed and he had become something different , like a weight lifter without a spotter , a surgeon with failing eyes . In his memory there lived the knowledge of so many tasks being mastered as they were achieved .
It was into this foggy confusion that Ricky learned that there would not be a sunny day when his team was suddenly whole again , it would not be quick . Ricky was told that he would be getting a trainee , one unfamiliar with the work , that he must train and if he were patient , mold into a fitting team member .
When it came to be time to meet , it became apparent that the new guy was clumsy , was essentially useless , this was going to take a long , long time . Larry , the trainee , was certainly strong enough but should the lifting be any more complicated than straight up and down , say , placing the object on a higher level of to one side , suddenly Larry was confused and muddled . When it came time to hold tight a component for more intricate work , Larry was able to grip competently but seemed unable to hold it at the right angle for Ricky to do the fine work .
Torque , Larry would grip , nod that he had his part ready but when Ricky twisted it was with absolutely no resistance . Over a very long time , Larry got stronger and though it strained him greatly , he could apply some torque , could turn the pieces so that they could mesh together properly . People praised Ricky for his patience and hard work over the very long training time . I wonder myself sometimes if Ricky even truly remembers what the symbiotic work of a full team felt like , if he was now working to a different form of that original .
" Who cares , as long as it works right ? " Ricky would answer .
CAST of STORY :
Ricky - Phil's right hand
Larry - Phil's affected left hand
As the Tasks - lifting a laundry basket , zipping up a zipper , opening a jar or a tube of toothpaste .
Written and narrated by - Some Hack .
Saturday 30 December 2017
Thursday 28 December 2017
AND IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'VE SEEN TOO MUCH IN TOO FEW YEARS
Nerves , I have had episodes of my life with too few and too much of them but over the past few they are like an enemy to me , an adversary , though one that teaches as it plots .
Cold days are the worst , they awaken the beast and I become acutely aware of each and every feeling on my affected side . I feel the nerve impulses rocketing up and down my body , they shock the limbs that have felt so little for too long and they pound against the walls of my brain , no longer welcome in their former home .
The brain however , is quite aware that it's former child is knocking at the door . The frustration of one million pieces of information , that which the brain craves and requires , assault it's defenses so continuously is painful , on too many levels . The old grey matter is subjected , post - stroke to an obscene amount of unfamiliar pain . Emotional pain , nerve pain and even the raw and devastating pain of the amputation of identity . This exists , I was robbed of the man that I once was , an imperfect individual certainly but one that I had known since birth , had grown up with and I possessed no power over this degrading insult , the pain that it causes is as deep and haunting as any that I have ever known and there is nothing but an invisible , unseen entity to blame .
I have no nefarious figure to hate , no evil villain to plan against , no masked assailants to get all Helsinki over , confusion and fear are a form of pain too for just the right brain , one that knows so intimately what scares and terrifies , which buttons to push .
One constant remains though my dear fellow survivors and that is that I do what it is that we all do , I survive . Getting through this fog of change and the unexpected is our thing and if we are fortunate , we learn from it , from the effect upon our bodies , our minds and then , should this same mix of challenges mount once more against us , it will not find a surprised and unsuspecting adversary cowering in it's path but a force that is prepared for it's best .
This brain of yours has been a mystery , especially lately but it has been with us for as long as we remember and that memory is knowledge and knowledge is power in this fight . Learn from it and use all that you learn , see you on the battlefield Phil .
Cold days are the worst , they awaken the beast and I become acutely aware of each and every feeling on my affected side . I feel the nerve impulses rocketing up and down my body , they shock the limbs that have felt so little for too long and they pound against the walls of my brain , no longer welcome in their former home .
The brain however , is quite aware that it's former child is knocking at the door . The frustration of one million pieces of information , that which the brain craves and requires , assault it's defenses so continuously is painful , on too many levels . The old grey matter is subjected , post - stroke to an obscene amount of unfamiliar pain . Emotional pain , nerve pain and even the raw and devastating pain of the amputation of identity . This exists , I was robbed of the man that I once was , an imperfect individual certainly but one that I had known since birth , had grown up with and I possessed no power over this degrading insult , the pain that it causes is as deep and haunting as any that I have ever known and there is nothing but an invisible , unseen entity to blame .
I have no nefarious figure to hate , no evil villain to plan against , no masked assailants to get all Helsinki over , confusion and fear are a form of pain too for just the right brain , one that knows so intimately what scares and terrifies , which buttons to push .
One constant remains though my dear fellow survivors and that is that I do what it is that we all do , I survive . Getting through this fog of change and the unexpected is our thing and if we are fortunate , we learn from it , from the effect upon our bodies , our minds and then , should this same mix of challenges mount once more against us , it will not find a surprised and unsuspecting adversary cowering in it's path but a force that is prepared for it's best .
This brain of yours has been a mystery , especially lately but it has been with us for as long as we remember and that memory is knowledge and knowledge is power in this fight . Learn from it and use all that you learn , see you on the battlefield Phil .
Wednesday 20 December 2017
ONE OF THESE DAYS , i'M GONNA CHANGE MY EVIL WAYS
Strokeland the sun is always just a little hotter here , the nights colder . I find myself imagining that it was all a vast sea bed once , the air carries it's salt into every pore , cakes me with it for we , the air and I , are all that moves here. Oh there is movement from the peripherie , it can be heard , a subtle skittery sound when a focussed eye turns their way .
The living are the agressors hereabouts , the plants the skittering , rodent-like insects are horned and cruelly barbed . I have no idea if I am as well , I am changed tha much is clear but in appearance ? I only know that I am feeling , not for the first time , like prey .
On my first full day here I found a thin , bark I guess it was upon which an unsteady hand had scratched the small dried up scroll hund from a clawed branch .
" They feed on me at night . It makes the Bloodwinds burn my flesh and sting my eyes , tell Em I tried but it don't ever end ." It was rolled up and in my bag still , I had no idea who this Em might be but I did feel a debt to my fellow traveller that I could not put word to . I needed to find something more soon , I needed to eat and water . There had been a puddle , or some sort of seep from below a ways back but in there had been what looked like a cross between a rat and a lobster , bloated and floating so I'd passed by .
My side , the left one was getting heavier now , the limbs losing strength and any use at all , I was managing a dragging , shuffle at best . I wanted to scram at the desolation all around me but what ? I'd no memory of the how or why of my being deposited in this Hell ," Jeezus , for all I know I might be Em " I laugh.
The living are the agressors hereabouts , the plants the skittering , rodent-like insects are horned and cruelly barbed . I have no idea if I am as well , I am changed tha much is clear but in appearance ? I only know that I am feeling , not for the first time , like prey .
On my first full day here I found a thin , bark I guess it was upon which an unsteady hand had scratched the small dried up scroll hund from a clawed branch .
" They feed on me at night . It makes the Bloodwinds burn my flesh and sting my eyes , tell Em I tried but it don't ever end ." It was rolled up and in my bag still , I had no idea who this Em might be but I did feel a debt to my fellow traveller that I could not put word to . I needed to find something more soon , I needed to eat and water . There had been a puddle , or some sort of seep from below a ways back but in there had been what looked like a cross between a rat and a lobster , bloated and floating so I'd passed by .
My side , the left one was getting heavier now , the limbs losing strength and any use at all , I was managing a dragging , shuffle at best . I wanted to scram at the desolation all around me but what ? I'd no memory of the how or why of my being deposited in this Hell ," Jeezus , for all I know I might be Em " I laugh.
Tuesday 19 December 2017
THEN THE LIGHT BEGINS TO SHINE , AND I HEAR THOSE ANCIENT LULLABIES
There is an aspect of recovery and of post stroke life that is often a contentious one for many survivors , and that is FAMILY . Now I know that we do not emerge from our travels in strokeland unscathed and I know that others do not always understand the storms in our heads . They do exist though , in our heads , our hearts , our memories and even if they are not physically with us and Bob is being an ass or Joe just expects you to be just like you were before your world turned upside down , the part of you that connected you to them still connects you...no matter which is being an ass them or you .
There is and always will be that you who strives to be what your family needs and expects you to be , to live up to your expectation , to your responsibility . I struggled to become the patriarch of a family from a wheelchair , from a more broken mindset than I realized , I was not being asked for help in moving in my children's first home repairs . I was unable to do repairs in my own home , to cut my own grass or shovel my own driveway , to change even a lightbulb . My self esteem and my vision of where I stood , or sat in the scheme of things was altered greatly .
As Christmas approaches , my advice to my wonderful wife , to spend less time working to make things perfect and spend time instead within the familial embrace , hits me pretty close to home . I should spend less time in my own little world , less time on what I cannot do , less on how I feel .
Bask in it my dear fellow survivors , let down your defences and notice others , feel the closeness , feel grandchildren on your knee and relive the memories that even something like a stroke could not steal , take advantage of the custom and sentiment of the season and put down the weight of your world for one day , consider it a start . Do not expect change of others if you are unwilling to change yourself .
I wish you all Happy and Peaceful holidays this too we shall survive Phil.
There is and always will be that you who strives to be what your family needs and expects you to be , to live up to your expectation , to your responsibility . I struggled to become the patriarch of a family from a wheelchair , from a more broken mindset than I realized , I was not being asked for help in moving in my children's first home repairs . I was unable to do repairs in my own home , to cut my own grass or shovel my own driveway , to change even a lightbulb . My self esteem and my vision of where I stood , or sat in the scheme of things was altered greatly .
As Christmas approaches , my advice to my wonderful wife , to spend less time working to make things perfect and spend time instead within the familial embrace , hits me pretty close to home . I should spend less time in my own little world , less time on what I cannot do , less on how I feel .
Bask in it my dear fellow survivors , let down your defences and notice others , feel the closeness , feel grandchildren on your knee and relive the memories that even something like a stroke could not steal , take advantage of the custom and sentiment of the season and put down the weight of your world for one day , consider it a start . Do not expect change of others if you are unwilling to change yourself .
I wish you all Happy and Peaceful holidays this too we shall survive Phil.
Sunday 17 December 2017
BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE TOOK THE TIME , NO ONE'S TO BLAME
BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE TOOK THE TIME , NO ONE'S TO BLAME
There was a time that I remember well , that I lay in my bed , a bed where I had slept as a different man , in the house where that able man had lived and I looked across the room at a book that I wanted to read , I had read it long before , had enjoyed it but it was not out of need for it that I suffered . It was the frustration of being now unable to go and get it , would I always have to ask others to get a t...hing for me that was only a few feet away ? Or would I one day overcome the fear of trying to do it for myself ?
There was a time that I remember well , that I lay in my bed , a bed where I had slept as a different man , in the house where that able man had lived and I looked across the room at a book that I wanted to read , I had read it long before , had enjoyed it but it was not out of need for it that I suffered . It was the frustration of being now unable to go and get it , would I always have to ask others to get a t...hing for me that was only a few feet away ? Or would I one day overcome the fear of trying to do it for myself ?
I wrestled with this often back then and did so until one day it became too much , When I felt the height of that frustration and had to try or explode I tried . At first it was by working my way into the wheelchair and then retrieving what I wanted and eventually using the quad cane and walking over to do it .
These days , I am most likely walking over without the straight cane I use and trying to carry the item back in my affected hand . A goal set to a stubborn enough person is a goal achieved . We are stronger than we realize my dear fellow survivors , we are still here . Phil.
See MoreThese days , I am most likely walking over without the straight cane I use and trying to carry the item back in my affected hand . A goal set to a stubborn enough person is a goal achieved . We are stronger than we realize my dear fellow survivors , we are still here . Phil.
Saturday 16 December 2017
YOU ARE ONLY COMING THROUGH IN WAVES,YOUR LIPS MOVE BUT I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAY
Anxiety , it is with me always . It rides my shoulders and it's scent and taste is with me every waking moment . Instinctively we cower , we wait for it to pass , close the door , turn off the lights .
The many different therapies that I have explored teach of ' grounding' ourselves and centering our focus . My focus is quite clear and from my grounded position I stand and scream defiantly " No ! " it almost had me once , almost made me withdraw and cower . I am beaten raw by toxic environments and people , by the loss of half of myself in the fog and I may have been easy prey but this morsel is ready to fight back .
I am here , I was here once , in this world , as a whole man , I had carved out a place for a guy like me to be , to live and say I will stay , I love her , I love them , I love US .
Anxiety , I will recognize you in all of your forms . I will acknowledge your hold upon me , admit it though I hate that it exists . I will confront you , upright and refusing to shrink and cower , I will stand , the man that I am and will always be and once I have done that it will be ME that wields the power , me that walks among your kind and others will stand with me then .
Fear does not rule here my dear fellow survivors , walk with me , roll or do what you must to show your defiance , we have survived and we are stronger for it Phil.
The many different therapies that I have explored teach of ' grounding' ourselves and centering our focus . My focus is quite clear and from my grounded position I stand and scream defiantly " No ! " it almost had me once , almost made me withdraw and cower . I am beaten raw by toxic environments and people , by the loss of half of myself in the fog and I may have been easy prey but this morsel is ready to fight back .
I am here , I was here once , in this world , as a whole man , I had carved out a place for a guy like me to be , to live and say I will stay , I love her , I love them , I love US .
Anxiety , I will recognize you in all of your forms . I will acknowledge your hold upon me , admit it though I hate that it exists . I will confront you , upright and refusing to shrink and cower , I will stand , the man that I am and will always be and once I have done that it will be ME that wields the power , me that walks among your kind and others will stand with me then .
Fear does not rule here my dear fellow survivors , walk with me , roll or do what you must to show your defiance , we have survived and we are stronger for it Phil.
Wednesday 13 December 2017
GOT THEM LOW-DOWN DRIED-OUT DESERT BLUES
Nothing , nothing growing save a few scrubby and thorny bushes dotting the wasted landscape for as far as the eye , mine anyway , can see . There was a tree , a sharp , skeletal sign post , my memory of it the only thing that acknowledged my passage through this silent dimension .
Even the air here saw no reason to move at all during the heat of the day and it had a tinge of saltiness on the tongue as it sat in this ...Strokeland . The previous night , my first in this Sargasso dead sea had taught me that it was not until sundown that the local life became visible . Well , not exactly visible but they could be heard scuttling and skittering among the rocks . Distance here is hard to guage , I can see plainly enough I guess but the atmosphere here distorts what lies just beyond . I put my head down for a short time in the cooler night air when I caught a large sweeping movement in the haze ,It was difficult to discern but what I saw was skeletal and immense , stretching higher than I could really see , it was insect like , my mind calls it mantis but that is impossible , I hope .
It is confusion and fear that rule in this hell . I had gone to sleep innocently enough back the world , back in the life I'd lived for my entire existence and when I awoke , one side sore and tired and the other numb and sluggish . I ' d gone to the hospital , walked into the E.R. and those were my last steps that I remember in that realm . I woke up on this arrow - straight , arid road to ...somewhere I hope .
As confusing as it all is , the deeply embedded certainty that I have a reason to be here on this road , that my purpose is to reach it's end no matter what . I have no memory of how or when this became as important as it is but I know that I must , I know that to get here I passed through a place that I must never venture into again alive .
However it was that I arrived here , I wish that I had been deposited in better condition , My side , the left one is so damned heavy , I'm dragging it along with me and the drive that pushes me along means that stopping and resting is not an option , pain and the promise that it will continue are all that exists on the programme . I do not know what waits at the end of this road but even that big mantis had better take a walk when I get there because after this road , this pain , this one - sided weight lifting , mood wise I'll be one irritated , agitated , infuriated , motivated mother $%^*&^%*.
" ALL ABOARD "
Even the air here saw no reason to move at all during the heat of the day and it had a tinge of saltiness on the tongue as it sat in this ...Strokeland . The previous night , my first in this Sargasso dead sea had taught me that it was not until sundown that the local life became visible . Well , not exactly visible but they could be heard scuttling and skittering among the rocks . Distance here is hard to guage , I can see plainly enough I guess but the atmosphere here distorts what lies just beyond . I put my head down for a short time in the cooler night air when I caught a large sweeping movement in the haze ,It was difficult to discern but what I saw was skeletal and immense , stretching higher than I could really see , it was insect like , my mind calls it mantis but that is impossible , I hope .
It is confusion and fear that rule in this hell . I had gone to sleep innocently enough back the world , back in the life I'd lived for my entire existence and when I awoke , one side sore and tired and the other numb and sluggish . I ' d gone to the hospital , walked into the E.R. and those were my last steps that I remember in that realm . I woke up on this arrow - straight , arid road to ...somewhere I hope .
As confusing as it all is , the deeply embedded certainty that I have a reason to be here on this road , that my purpose is to reach it's end no matter what . I have no memory of how or when this became as important as it is but I know that I must , I know that to get here I passed through a place that I must never venture into again alive .
However it was that I arrived here , I wish that I had been deposited in better condition , My side , the left one is so damned heavy , I'm dragging it along with me and the drive that pushes me along means that stopping and resting is not an option , pain and the promise that it will continue are all that exists on the programme . I do not know what waits at the end of this road but even that big mantis had better take a walk when I get there because after this road , this pain , this one - sided weight lifting , mood wise I'll be one irritated , agitated , infuriated , motivated mother $%^*&^%*.
" ALL ABOARD "
AND WE ALL MAKE OUR CHOICES , LIKE A BLIND MAN FEELS HIS WAY
AND WE ALL MAKE OUR CHOICES , LIKE A BLIND MAN FEELS HIS WAY , AND THE CHOICE 'VE MADE IS SIMPLE , PASSION OVER PAIN
I was lying there , as alone as one can be in a hospital but more alone than I had ever felt before . The realization that a half of my body no longer worked weighing heavily , when from the edge of the dark abyss came the question " And what if it never works again ? "
I hated that question , that voice , that place but though I tried ...the question remained " What if ? " in a voice that sounded like my own , what if ? I still hear it at times and my first defiant " No " has now become a scream with all that I can manage" NO !!! " and it was that simple , one word answer that determined my place , my lane if you will on the long , rocky , recovery highway .
I was lying there , as alone as one can be in a hospital but more alone than I had ever felt before . The realization that a half of my body no longer worked weighing heavily , when from the edge of the dark abyss came the question " And what if it never works again ? "
I hated that question , that voice , that place but though I tried ...the question remained " What if ? " in a voice that sounded like my own , what if ? I still hear it at times and my first defiant " No " has now become a scream with all that I can manage" NO !!! " and it was that simple , one word answer that determined my place , my lane if you will on the long , rocky , recovery highway .
It is hard this lane , I would not switch though if I could . It is long , it is slow and it hurts , it hurts really badly and although I do not travel it alone and my pain is shared , I will never stop because if I do that lonely voice just gets louder in the distance .
Yesterday , for the second time since my entry in the 'one legged man in an ass kicking contest I did a thing that I had only ever been forced to do once before On this occasion I let go of railing and cane and I walked jerkily on my own and even though it hurts today the feeling is still within me that a part of that chair bound individual took flight somehow . My walk was not pretty , not graceful or regular but every step is remembered , seared into the brain of the man who once heard that voice .
There's a place up ahead , iot is sunny and grassy and if one sits on the right side , there is no view of this damned highway , no echo from the abyss . I'll be sprawled there my dear fellow survivors , bring coffee...and maybe a little Van Halen Phil.
Yesterday , for the second time since my entry in the 'one legged man in an ass kicking contest I did a thing that I had only ever been forced to do once before On this occasion I let go of railing and cane and I walked jerkily on my own and even though it hurts today the feeling is still within me that a part of that chair bound individual took flight somehow . My walk was not pretty , not graceful or regular but every step is remembered , seared into the brain of the man who once heard that voice .
There's a place up ahead , iot is sunny and grassy and if one sits on the right side , there is no view of this damned highway , no echo from the abyss . I'll be sprawled there my dear fellow survivors , bring coffee...and maybe a little Van Halen Phil.
YOU ALREADY WON ME OVER.IN SPITE OF ME
YOU ALREADY WON ME OVER.IN SPITE OF ME
I have watched my infant granddaughter playing with her feet , fascinated by those toes. Exploring the amazing possibilities that all of these new things offer.
Just yesterday I was lying in bed putting the paralyzed leg up because the foot was a bit swollen and I lay there Staring at my old toes with fascination. Damn I miss them and I stared , caught up in the wonders that they represent, wishing, wondering, until possibility overtook reality and just for the hell of it I tried.
I started at my waist , the hip and I tensed ever muscle in that long chain til I reached that foot and then the serious weight lifting began and they moved . The toes moved slightly but a movement my dear fellow survivors. Wee wee wee these little piggies came home Phil.https://youtu.be/IKnz3kAwRu8
I have watched my infant granddaughter playing with her feet , fascinated by those toes. Exploring the amazing possibilities that all of these new things offer.
Just yesterday I was lying in bed putting the paralyzed leg up because the foot was a bit swollen and I lay there Staring at my old toes with fascination. Damn I miss them and I stared , caught up in the wonders that they represent, wishing, wondering, until possibility overtook reality and just for the hell of it I tried.
I started at my waist , the hip and I tensed ever muscle in that long chain til I reached that foot and then the serious weight lifting began and they moved . The toes moved slightly but a movement my dear fellow survivors. Wee wee wee these little piggies came home Phil.https://youtu.be/IKnz3kAwRu8
I'M GONNA MAKE A JAILBREAK , I'M LOOKING TOWARDS THE SKY
I'M GONNA MAKE A JAILBREAK , I'M LOOKING TOWARDS THE SKY , I'M GONNA MAKE A JAILBREAK , OH HOW I WISH THAT I COULD FLY
Bars , we all live in prisons of our own, what makes each unique is the bars that keep us within. Mine , my bars are made of pain and memories . The pain of muscles , of spasms that wrack them , screams at the disuse and the memory of what they were once capable of , the simplicity of movement , the wonderful communication between mind and limb that I had and squandered . These things fill my consciousness , they form the cell that confines me . I batter the walls , pry at the locks , and occasionally my spirit gains a moment of freedom . I strive to break free but I cannot run , , my experiences tether me .
Bars , we all live in prisons of our own, what makes each unique is the bars that keep us within. Mine , my bars are made of pain and memories . The pain of muscles , of spasms that wrack them , screams at the disuse and the memory of what they were once capable of , the simplicity of movement , the wonderful communication between mind and limb that I had and squandered . These things fill my consciousness , they form the cell that confines me . I batter the walls , pry at the locks , and occasionally my spirit gains a moment of freedom . I strive to break free but I cannot run , , my experiences tether me .
My cellmate has been with me always , keeping me sane , if I truly am , and supporting me when I falter. Love occupies the other bunk . Makes up my strength , my resolve and my tenacious belief that a better place not only exists but awaits . I rant at my barriers , bluster and yell but if I were ever to reach out in the darkness and not find her hand the very wind would leave my sails. My heart only beats because hers beats with it , each fearful step I take ends with the sound of both footfalls , hers and mine. I live in a prison of my own making , my choices were made long ago. She , though , she is here by choice , for me , for us and it is that knowledge that gives me strength , makes me feel some worth and hope. Her love represents not only safety and comfort but the possibility of such a choice being possible for me again one day.
I wish that there was only one wall my dear fellow survivors , one barrier that we could all rally against , that we could charge at en mass , but the bars are much more personal than that and the jailor holding your keys exists within each of you , each of us. Should you manage to tunnel out send me a letter and sign it Inigo Montoya , I will have to dig my own , but I think that I prefer the idea of walking out with my cellmate one day , my sentence will only end when I choose it and it's gonna be hard. see you on the outside my friends. Phil.
I wish that there was only one wall my dear fellow survivors , one barrier that we could all rally against , that we could charge at en mass , but the bars are much more personal than that and the jailor holding your keys exists within each of you , each of us. Should you manage to tunnel out send me a letter and sign it Inigo Montoya , I will have to dig my own , but I think that I prefer the idea of walking out with my cellmate one day , my sentence will only end when I choose it and it's gonna be hard. see you on the outside my friends. Phil.
I CAN'T SLEEP AND I LAY AND I THINK ,, THE NIGHT IS HOT AND BLACK AS INK
I CAN'T SLEEP AND I LAY AND I THINK ,, THE NIGHT IS HOT AND BLACK AS INK
I see the looks in their eyes , see them in my mind , where I am most broken . I notice the awkward walk , the un moving arm ,, the eye that has ideas of it's own about where to look . I pick over each flaw and imperfection . In my mind's eye I see what I believe all others see .
I am wrong she tells me once more , I am projecting my own insecurity upon the blank screens around me . D...o I crave their acceptance ? I never did before , back when I was still me . Do I require the approval of others ?
I see the looks in their eyes , see them in my mind , where I am most broken . I notice the awkward walk , the un moving arm ,, the eye that has ideas of it's own about where to look . I pick over each flaw and imperfection . In my mind's eye I see what I believe all others see .
I am wrong she tells me once more , I am projecting my own insecurity upon the blank screens around me . D...o I crave their acceptance ? I never did before , back when I was still me . Do I require the approval of others ?
" You do not ! " a lonely voice whispers in the far back , dark somewhere . " The acceptance that you seek is not theirs , it is your own " a solemn monotone . Though I try , I still see only that which I blame upon those others .
I set out one day intent upon ' showing THEM ! ' I strike out stubbornly uphill , the grip on my cane more a weld that a clasp and someplace near the halfway mark I realize that my intention is to ' SHOW ME ! ' By the time I crest the hilltop that old ass that is dragging behind me feels that it has indeed been ' SHOWN '
No condescending little smile from passers by as I come back down , instead they receive a look from me that says " That's nothing you should see him as I have... and I got proven wrong " ...
Despite what we are told by the frustrated my dear fellow survivors , sometimes it actually is ' ALL ABOUT YOU ' and in that dark , quiet , mind theater of yours where you are the director , producer and the casting couch , stage manager , you have to stand back , watch the show , listen to the house and give the kid a break , the great ones project the essence of the role upon the blank canvas of the audience . See what you believe that you can be in their eyes , It all starts with you Phil.
I set out one day intent upon ' showing THEM ! ' I strike out stubbornly uphill , the grip on my cane more a weld that a clasp and someplace near the halfway mark I realize that my intention is to ' SHOW ME ! ' By the time I crest the hilltop that old ass that is dragging behind me feels that it has indeed been ' SHOWN '
No condescending little smile from passers by as I come back down , instead they receive a look from me that says " That's nothing you should see him as I have... and I got proven wrong " ...
Despite what we are told by the frustrated my dear fellow survivors , sometimes it actually is ' ALL ABOUT YOU ' and in that dark , quiet , mind theater of yours where you are the director , producer and the casting couch , stage manager , you have to stand back , watch the show , listen to the house and give the kid a break , the great ones project the essence of the role upon the blank canvas of the audience . See what you believe that you can be in their eyes , It all starts with you Phil.
KNOW A GOVERNMENT MAN , HE WAS AS BLIND AS THE MOON , HE SAW THE SUN IN THE NIGHT
KNOW A GOVERNMENT MAN , HE WAS AS BLIND AS THE MOON , HE SAW THE SUN IN THE NIGHT
This ground , brown and cracked and scorched , it stretches on forever . The sun , always bright now , it's reaching fingers find me everyplace that I go in the salty air . An old one , more mummy than man , who had held a lofty place in one of the tribe camps that I have passed through .
" All of the hear abouts that you can see around you was once a great sea ..." he had croaked " It was like a slow death watching it boil away " . I had following his directions is far toward where the great city had stood but I could see nothing that was any different than anything else .
This ground , brown and cracked and scorched , it stretches on forever . The sun , always bright now , it's reaching fingers find me everyplace that I go in the salty air . An old one , more mummy than man , who had held a lofty place in one of the tribe camps that I have passed through .
" All of the hear abouts that you can see around you was once a great sea ..." he had croaked " It was like a slow death watching it boil away " . I had following his directions is far toward where the great city had stood but I could see nothing that was any different than anything else .
The world about us has changed , moved on and I'd been walking it for years , crawling it before that and before that ...well then I had walked in a different place with different air , ground and sun . My travels here in Strokeland had begun with purpose I started out hunting a man , a shadowy character who had run out on me once . At some point in the hunt I came to realize that what was gone was gone and I rested .
When I began to walk again , my new purpose was to see this new place , to discover my place within it as I am . My focus however is inward as well as in the hazy distance . I look behind me and realize that more of this Strokeland than is visible to me now has felt the fall of my feet , my uneven gait , the hot , arid wind may erase the footprints but the wind will not erase the marks lreft in me until my dehydrated form joins this landscape .
So perhaps my new purpose is to go as far as I can before it becomes time to lie down . I will see you on the horizon my dear fellow survivors , We can look at it from the other side Phil
When I began to walk again , my new purpose was to see this new place , to discover my place within it as I am . My focus however is inward as well as in the hazy distance . I look behind me and realize that more of this Strokeland than is visible to me now has felt the fall of my feet , my uneven gait , the hot , arid wind may erase the footprints but the wind will not erase the marks lreft in me until my dehydrated form joins this landscape .
So perhaps my new purpose is to go as far as I can before it becomes time to lie down . I will see you on the horizon my dear fellow survivors , We can look at it from the other side Phil
DO TO ME WHAT YOU WILL , BREAK THE SPELL , TAKE YOUR FILL
DO TO ME WHAT YOU WILL , BREAK THE SPELL , TAKE YOUR FILL
For a few years now I have lived under the assumption that my own brain was constantly trying to manipulate me . Lately , it has been brought to my attention that my time has come , it is now my turn to mess with that little gray guy .
Both mental and occupational therapies have come to a point where it seems to be necessary to fool my own brain , Hmmmm . I've never subscribed to the whole " Use a ...smaller plate and your brain will think that you are eating larger portions " approach but I honestly feel that this is right for me right now .
For a few years now I have lived under the assumption that my own brain was constantly trying to manipulate me . Lately , it has been brought to my attention that my time has come , it is now my turn to mess with that little gray guy .
Both mental and occupational therapies have come to a point where it seems to be necessary to fool my own brain , Hmmmm . I've never subscribed to the whole " Use a ...smaller plate and your brain will think that you are eating larger portions " approach but I honestly feel that this is right for me right now .
At the height of the anxious and emotional turmoil that my mental state can reach , it has been suggested and encouraged that I find strategies to distract my thought process to surmount the problem . In fact , when I was in another city in a strange hospital , my thoughts panicked and terrified , I coped by unconsciously counting obsessively in sevens i.e: 7 - 14 - 21 - 28... and it helped .
For my arm , I am beginning to re-try Mirror box therapy . where I place my paralyzed arm inside of a box that has a mirror on the outside of it , then I do a series of exercises with the working hand while I watch them in the mirror . The point of this is to spark the brain's attempts to repair itself , as it sees what the left hand apparently needs to do . Again , I am not convinced that this is not a viable course of action
So my dear fellow survivors , I know that the paths that we travel are steep and rocky and I intend to meet you all at the top of the mountain , it is possible that we have all only fooled ourselves into thinking that we are there , so I am working on fooling myself into carrying up a case of beer , can one of you imagine a cooler full of ice ? See ya there Phil
For my arm , I am beginning to re-try Mirror box therapy . where I place my paralyzed arm inside of a box that has a mirror on the outside of it , then I do a series of exercises with the working hand while I watch them in the mirror . The point of this is to spark the brain's attempts to repair itself , as it sees what the left hand apparently needs to do . Again , I am not convinced that this is not a viable course of action
So my dear fellow survivors , I know that the paths that we travel are steep and rocky and I intend to meet you all at the top of the mountain , it is possible that we have all only fooled ourselves into thinking that we are there , so I am working on fooling myself into carrying up a case of beer , can one of you imagine a cooler full of ice ? See ya there Phil
I ALWAYS FOUND THAT SILENCE , HELPS TO KEEP ME AND MY KIND ALIVE
I ALWAYS FOUND THAT SILENCE , HELPS TO KEEP ME AND MY KIND ALIVE
The woman has finally gone to sleep , a very fortunate chance meeting in the hotel bar . The two hours of senseless reality television almost got me as well , I have work to do now .
I open my travel bag and remove the black shirt and pants and the small case . Trusting in the drops that I'd slipped into her drink , I pull the sheet over to cover her and cross to the bathroom , turning o...n the overhead light/fan combo and closing the door . I slip as silently as I can into the hallway , all quiet , the staff key card that I swiped from the bellhop opens the door to room 207 letting me in quietly , seeming to cause no alarm inside .
The woman has finally gone to sleep , a very fortunate chance meeting in the hotel bar . The two hours of senseless reality television almost got me as well , I have work to do now .
I open my travel bag and remove the black shirt and pants and the small case . Trusting in the drops that I'd slipped into her drink , I pull the sheet over to cover her and cross to the bathroom , turning o...n the overhead light/fan combo and closing the door . I slip as silently as I can into the hallway , all quiet , the staff key card that I swiped from the bellhop opens the door to room 207 letting me in quietly , seeming to cause no alarm inside .
His name is Alan DeVonne , at 6'3" 260 lbs , even lying down he is a big fella . From the case I take the small glass ampule and snap it under his nose for insurance for what is to come . I pry his mouth open enough to wedge the rubber chew toy between his jaws , forcing them open .
Into the case again , I extract the syringe , already loaded and move over the form on the bed . I slip the needle point into the soft tissue below the tongue , he moans his last and even before I finish removing the chew toy and replacing the syringe his breath begins to rattle in his chest . Feet kicking in a death spasm , I close the door on the room as well as on DeVonne's life and return to my room across the hall .
I don my disguise once more , the one that I wore checking in . The close , tight , grey wig and the wrinkled old man clothes and overcoat . I place a tiny bag of coke on the night table beside the woman , let fear and confusion cloud her recollections . With the key card |I let myself into the storage room on the floor , black clothing into the laundry shoot , key card into the incinerator with the syringe , ampule halves and chew toy .
As I await the elevator I turn on my phone , I call the contact name marked as' Dad ' and when the client answers I tell him " It is done ! " Without waiting for any reply I check my bank balance and watch the number rise . When the rattling , old , elevator reaches the lobby , the only notice an old man leaving gets is a short , pleasant wave from the desk clerk . I grunt loudly as I open the heavy door and I am free .
The point , my dear fellow survivors , is that while we all have a similar target , it is through planning , preparation and determination that our goal can be realized , our obstacles executed . Just having a bit of fictional fun , see ya later and stay out of room 207 . Phil .
See MoreInto the case again , I extract the syringe , already loaded and move over the form on the bed . I slip the needle point into the soft tissue below the tongue , he moans his last and even before I finish removing the chew toy and replacing the syringe his breath begins to rattle in his chest . Feet kicking in a death spasm , I close the door on the room as well as on DeVonne's life and return to my room across the hall .
I don my disguise once more , the one that I wore checking in . The close , tight , grey wig and the wrinkled old man clothes and overcoat . I place a tiny bag of coke on the night table beside the woman , let fear and confusion cloud her recollections . With the key card |I let myself into the storage room on the floor , black clothing into the laundry shoot , key card into the incinerator with the syringe , ampule halves and chew toy .
As I await the elevator I turn on my phone , I call the contact name marked as' Dad ' and when the client answers I tell him " It is done ! " Without waiting for any reply I check my bank balance and watch the number rise . When the rattling , old , elevator reaches the lobby , the only notice an old man leaving gets is a short , pleasant wave from the desk clerk . I grunt loudly as I open the heavy door and I am free .
The point , my dear fellow survivors , is that while we all have a similar target , it is through planning , preparation and determination that our goal can be realized , our obstacles executed . Just having a bit of fictional fun , see ya later and stay out of room 207 . Phil .
AH THE MOON'S TOO BRIGHT ,THE CHAIN'S TOO TIGHT
AH THE MOON'S TOO BRIGHT ,THE CHAIN'S TOO TIGHT. , THE BEAST WON'T GO TO SLEEP
It is through a haze of ridiculous pain that I say to you my dear fellow survivors that even that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow comes with a cost. For these past few years post stroke my dream has been that one day I might be able to care for my lovely wife as she so lovingly has for me.
This past week she has been in hospital and I have been tasked with not only the unthinkable chore of caring for myself but for our beloved cat ,the Mighty Hatfield. Visiting at our new and quite monolithic hospital requires a great deal of walking . Daily I visited my love walking essentially half the length of the too large structure using my straight cane and daily I walked in my home unassisted feeding , watering and litter box cleaning for Hatfield , I have to say that stepping into even that tiny bit of my wife's daily routine was exhausting . After the hospital and it's marathon walking I was beat .
It is through a haze of ridiculous pain that I say to you my dear fellow survivors that even that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow comes with a cost. For these past few years post stroke my dream has been that one day I might be able to care for my lovely wife as she so lovingly has for me.
This past week she has been in hospital and I have been tasked with not only the unthinkable chore of caring for myself but for our beloved cat ,the Mighty Hatfield. Visiting at our new and quite monolithic hospital requires a great deal of walking . Daily I visited my love walking essentially half the length of the too large structure using my straight cane and daily I walked in my home unassisted feeding , watering and litter box cleaning for Hatfield , I have to say that stepping into even that tiny bit of my wife's daily routine was exhausting . After the hospital and it's marathon walking I was beat .
I had ample opportunity to awaken old skills to cope with the problems of visiting in a huge building one handed and somewhat unsteady and it felt wonderful .
The pain hit me on her last day there , visiting , seeing her to pick up prescriptions and home and then going back there for an appointment of my own caught up with me . The thigh and calf pain coupled with lower back spasms is excruciating.
I have not felt this accomplished for quite a while and am enjoying the sensation , I found my own pot of gold but I had to crawl the last mile to claim it. Surviving is a great feat on it's own but to reap further reward comes with a hefty price tag . Keep on fighting , never give up. Phil.
The pain hit me on her last day there , visiting , seeing her to pick up prescriptions and home and then going back there for an appointment of my own caught up with me . The thigh and calf pain coupled with lower back spasms is excruciating.
I have not felt this accomplished for quite a while and am enjoying the sensation , I found my own pot of gold but I had to crawl the last mile to claim it. Surviving is a great feat on it's own but to reap further reward comes with a hefty price tag . Keep on fighting , never give up. Phil.
I'M LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN , I BELIEVE I'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH , WHERE DO I BEGIN
I'M LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN , I BELIEVE I'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH , WHERE DO I BEGIN ?
fear
That feeling , that pure and natural gait as we walk , the weight of the leg aiding in the smooth movement of a step. God I want to feel it again. To enjoy the act of walking , to stroll , to cover distance in the way we were intended to , without the almost paralyzing fear and pain I feel now is a dream of mine.
Recovery , it is my focus these days . I push hard to .Make it happen , terrified at every step , will this body continue to deny me this process , once so instinctive , will I fall / will I let slip some small indication of the pain I feel ., causing a therapist to call a stop to my progress? Will this body , the traiterous thing , give up on me ?
fear
That feeling , that pure and natural gait as we walk , the weight of the leg aiding in the smooth movement of a step. God I want to feel it again. To enjoy the act of walking , to stroll , to cover distance in the way we were intended to , without the almost paralyzing fear and pain I feel now is a dream of mine.
Recovery , it is my focus these days . I push hard to .Make it happen , terrified at every step , will this body continue to deny me this process , once so instinctive , will I fall / will I let slip some small indication of the pain I feel ., causing a therapist to call a stop to my progress? Will this body , the traiterous thing , give up on me ?
Recently my therapy sessions have begun again, and coupled with the in-home work being done with me and with my own efforts to push through and walk as often as possible , .shit's about to ramp right up !! My nights filling even more with painful spasms and tightness remind me that there is a price to be paid for denying the stroke gods this victory
So my dear fellow survivors , I'd love to tell y'all that all you've endured was the worst of it , but moving forward hurts , hurts bad sometimes and the angry stroke gods do not like meddling , do not appreciate the arrogance recovery seems to inspire.
It ain't easy, I have beaten myself up regularly for not being further ahead after so long a time but every victorious moment has a cost , every jerky step forward causes two perfect and unnoticed steps backward. When we belly up to the bar at that old watering hole at the end of the recovery trail , I'll have a frosty one waiting for you , you tough mother you. Phil
So my dear fellow survivors , I'd love to tell y'all that all you've endured was the worst of it , but moving forward hurts , hurts bad sometimes and the angry stroke gods do not like meddling , do not appreciate the arrogance recovery seems to inspire.
It ain't easy, I have beaten myself up regularly for not being further ahead after so long a time but every victorious moment has a cost , every jerky step forward causes two perfect and unnoticed steps backward. When we belly up to the bar at that old watering hole at the end of the recovery trail , I'll have a frosty one waiting for you , you tough mother you. Phil
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